The Evolution of Parenting Views

You Who Think You Know It All Are Annoying to Those of Us That Do.

Behold humble pie.  It
goes well with crow.

Question: Who are the world’s foremost authorities on parenting?

Answer: People who’ve never had children, of course!

Admittedly, I was a card-carrying member of this elite group for almost 30 years. At the sight of a toddler throwing a tantrum in the frozen food aisle, a ketchup-smeared girl running amok in a restaurant, or a boy clad in Spiderman pajamas and rubber boots at the dentist’s office, my disdain was boundless.

"MY child will NEVER behave like THAT," I’d announce haughtily to all in earshot. "Clearly THOSE parents haven’t a CLUE on how to control their children."

Then I had child. Then two more. Now guess who has the tantrum-throwing, ketchup-smeared, rubber-booted kids?

And all I can say these days is, "Please pass the humble pie; I’ll have it with crow on the side."

*****

THEN (Before Childbirth): "My child will not ingest any substance with zero nutritional value."
NOW (After Childbirth): "Just a couple M&M’s. No more."

THEN: “I will not sound like my mother.”
NOW: “Don't cross your eyes or they’ll get stuck like that! Be careful or you'll put your eye out. What if everyone jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge? Would you do it, too?”

What if everyone jumped
off the Golden Gate Bridge?
Would you do it, too?

THEN: “I will not sound like my father.”
NOW: “Money does not grow on trees! Don’t make me come back there. Yes, I AM the boss of you. Bored! How can you be bored? I was never bored at your age!”

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THEN: “Money cannot buy happiness...”
NOW: “... but it can buy that Barbie dollhouse which will keep you busy for an extra half hour. Then Mommy will be happy. So, actually, money can buy happiness - in 30-minute increments.”

THEN: “Honesty is a virtue.”
NOW: “Sorry, Sweetheart, McDonald’s is closed. They’ve stopped cooking French fries. Forever.”

THEN: “TV cannot replace books and educational toys.”
NOW: “Shh, Sweetheart, Daddy’s trying to watch the last few minutes of Dancing with the Stars. Have a few more M&M’s and watch it with him.”

THEN: “We must be kind and courteous to others.”
NOW: “That #@*% idiot just cut me off! Hey, #$&@, I got a kid in the back seat! ... Um, Sweetheart, ‘#@*% idiot’ means ‘unsafe person.’”

Pajamas at an afternoon
wedding? You betcha!

THEN: “Manners are the way to brighten up a day. ‘Please,’ ‘thank you,’ and ‘may I’ will be our watchwords.”
NOW: “May I remind you to please sit down? Now. I said, NOW! THANK YOU!”

THEN: “I will never lose my temper. I will never raise my voice. I shall be calm, cool, and collected at all times.”
NOW: “Aaagggghhh! I can’t hear myself think! QUIT YELLING! STOP SCREECHING!!!!”

THEN: “Patience. Patience. Patience.”
NOW: “Here, take the whole #@*% bag of M&M’s and BE QUIET!”

Thanks to Sean and Christina - parents of four kids, ages 1 through 14 - who read the original draft of these “before/after” parenting views and then express-mailed us a five-pound bag of M&M’s... which we used up. Quickly.

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*** Stay tuned for the November 30 blog: "The Grass Is Always Greener (On the Other Side of 21)." ***