Sunday, October 31, 2010

If Mothers Ran the World

Give Mom an Inch and She’ll Think She’s a Ruler.

"Queen Mother" can
 take on a whole
 new meaning.
In a fit of pique, my middle-school daughter called me a “tyrant” and “despot.” (Kudos to her reading teacher for excellent vocabulary lessons.) While I prefer the term “disciplinarian” - or even “martinet” - it got me thinking: what if mothers ruled the world? Forget about Democrats and Republicans; cancel the Tea Parties. Never mind Bloc Québécois and the Citizens for Undead Rights and Equality. Move over Jedi Order and Galactic Empire.

Imagine a United Nations of Mommies...

NO WAR

What would happen if a country misbehaves toward another country?

Instant time-out.

Repeat offenders shall lose privileges (e.g., allowance, favorite toys, satellite TV, Internet access, and reindeer games), write a letter of apology and deliver it in person, and offer to mow the other country’s lawn free for a month.

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GOOD-BYE ENERGY CRISIS

Picture the reduction in fossil fuel dependency when everyone travels via car pools in minivans and Volvo station wagons, bicycles (with Snell B-95 or equivalent helmets), stroller power, and “walking feet.”

Think about the decreased load on power grids when everyone gets only one hour of TV or Wii, but not both. And all lights are out by 8:00 p.m. SHARP!

FEED WORLD HUNGER
To feed the hungry:
move extra food from
Point A to Point B.

Remember all those starving children in those foreign fill-in-the-blank countries?

Under the new rule, the world is a giant potluck dinner, where there’s always far too much food. Every night, we’ll wrap up the extras and send it all out with a kiss.

POVERTY DEFEATED

One word: share.

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HOMES FOR THE HOMELESS

Yes, everyone shall be allowed to bring home a “stray” (pet or person) ... even though guess who will end up feeding him, cleaning up after him, and taking him for walks every day?

HOLISTIC HEALTH CARE

Mommy's kiss cures
a thousand ailments.
The World Health Organization, Centers for Disease Control, and American Medical Association shall officially recognize the medicinal power of Mommy’s kisses.

EDUCATIONAL REFORM

Teachers’ salaries shall triple. Star teachers’ salaries shall quintuple, especially those that teach words like “tyrant” and “despot.” Bad teachers shall be gently redirected down an alternative career path – e.g., hall monitor, sheep castrator, or avian vomitologist.

The excellent teacher salaries shall attract more qualified candidates to teaching professions, so class sizes shall dwindle. Better teachers plus smaller classes equals an exponential rise in the quality of education.
Students will love school, not fear or dread it. And they’d reach their fortieth birthdays without recurring dreams about forgetting to study for an exam or showing up to class without their homework.

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NO LOSERS

We’d restructure the sporting world’s award systems. For example, in the Olympics, everyone gets a gold medal for trying; first place finishers get a lollipop (no artificial colors and sweetened with organic barley malt syrup) as a bonus.

FASHION REDEFINED

Clean underwear shall be de rigueur, because you never know when you’ll get into an accident.

“Haute couture” shall be synonymous with “Mom jeans.”

By law, Lady Gaga, Miley Cyrus, and Britney Spears would wear more clothes. Brad Pitt, David Beckham, and the red-haired guy at the gym would wear less.

BUT SERIOUSLY, FOLKS...
Exercise your
Mom Power!

Sigh. While world domination may be a pleasant daydream for now, here’s reality: November 2 is Election Day here in the USA. Think of all the suffragists’ hard work and sacrifices that went into the Nineteenth Amendment; think of all the places in today’s world where women are “spoils of war,” sold, mutilated, or “protected” under the rubric of culture or religion.

Do not take women’s rights for granted. Let your voice be heard! Get out there and rock the vote, Mommies.

*** Stay tuned for the November 15 blog: "The Evolution of Parenting Views: You Who Think You Know It All Are Annoying to Those of Us That Do." ***

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2 comments:

  1. "Do not take women’s rights for granted", Amen to that!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Brilliant . . . as usual!

    ReplyDelete