Top 10 Clues You’re Pregnant Before Receipt of Official Medical Confirmation

We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Blood Test.

Pregnant or hitting the
potato chips too often?
You decide.

A good friend suspects she’s got a proverbial bun - or two - in the oven, and only awaits the arrival home of her husband tonight before she piddles on The Stick. Given the relative accuracy of The Stick nowadays - and her uncanny ability to follow package directions to the exact letter - a follow-up visit to the doctor seems almost superfluous (except for the part where she’d like an accurate count of the buns; as a mom of twins, I can appreciate that sentiment).

In honor of her (and all possibly expectant moms everywhere), I offer these “Top 10 Clues You’re Pregnant Before Receipt of Official Medical Confirmation.” In my friend’s case, a positive test would be welcome news ... so good luck!

Top 10 Clues You’re Pregnant Before Receipt of Official Medical Confirmation

10. Your base of operations moves to the bathroom.

9. At the sight, sound or thought of a baby, you whimper and drool like a puppy. If you had a tail, you’d wag it.

8. Greeting cards make you burst into tears. So do diaper commercials. And egg salad sandwiches.

7. You suffer from (or enjoy) bizarre, intense, short-lived, often concurrent cravings: fried squid and cole slaw; strawberry jam and chicken chow mein; guacamole and filet mignon, pink lemonade and Raisinettes ... but not pickles. Nor ice cream.

6. Cravings aside, you can eat only a forkful of cole slaw before you feel bloated or nauseated. Or both.

5. You eye strollers the way you used to eye pricey sport cars.

Shut eye? Get it while the
baby's on the inside,
because you won't get
any when the baby is
on the outside.

4. If you sit down, you fall asleep. Immediately.

3. Your center of gravity shifts a half-inch south each week.

2. Your waistline expands a half-inch each week (even though you’ve been subsisting on a pint of cole slaw, a forkful at a time). Even your elastic-waist pants are straining their fibers.

1. Can you say “perpetual backache”?

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*** Stay tuned for the October 31 blog: "If Mothers Ran the World (Give Mom an Inch and She'll Think She's a Ruler)." ***