The Grass Is Always Greener

...on the Other Side of 21.

Be honest: how old were
you when this gem
hit the theatres?

During Thanksgiving weekend, my sister-in-law Michelle (who looks like a younger, blond Angelina Jolie with fewer children) noticed that the “Kids’ Table” occupants are now sporting wedding rings, drivers’ licenses, and college diplomas - and don’t predate (gulp) Star Wars, let alone Pee-Wee's Big Adventure.

“Omigod,” Michelle groaned. “I am feeling so O-to-the-L-to-the-D!”

It took me a moment (and another slug of caffeine) before I translated her statement to “Oh, my God, I feel old” ...which really made me feel so O-to-the-L-to-the-D.

Do celebrations of anniversaries of my 39th birthday constitute “old”? I think not. Maybe grudging middle age. Which leads me to share a few observations about middle age and (ah!) sweet youth...

*****

YOU KNOW YOU’RE MIDDLE-AGED WHEN...

• Your kid’s teacher is younger than you ... by 15 years.

• You know how to install a dishwasher, replace a fluorescent light fixture, and repair the sprinkler system without reading an owner’s manual or researching it on the Internet.

• Your work career spans longer than your school career (including preschool and the graduate work).

Science has yet to explain
the phenomenon of how
fat leaps from cake to
hips without ingestion.

• Your official age is 39-and-holding.

• At least one muscle or joint in your body always aches or creaks (or both).

• Your favorite alphanumeric phrase is “401K.”

• You gain weight just by looking at chocolate cake.

• The “oldies” radio station now plays songs from your high school and college years. (Duran Duran! Huey Lewis and the News! John Mellencamp!)

• Who cares how ugly those shoes are as long as they’re comfortable!

• You wish you were 21.

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YOU KNOW YOU’RE STILL YOUNG WHEN...

• You have more than enough élan to pull off an ensemble of a hot pink shirt, lime green pants, a necklace that bears an eerie resemblance to a bicycle chain, and a faux leopard fur capelet. Or a fairy princess gown, a feather boa, and motorcycle boots.

• You wish Miley Cyrus was your big sister.

• You really care who wins an MTV Video Music Award.

• You count your age in halves and quarters (as in “I’m 7¾ years old” or “I can’t wait till I’m 12½”).

• Twinkies taste good.

• You sprint up four flights of stairs without breaking a sweat, with enough breath and energy left to do an intricate victory dance.

Instrument of torture or
fashion statement?
Your answer will
reveal your age.

• Who’s Huey Lewis?

• Who cares how uncomfortable those shoes are as long as they’re gorgeous!

• You wish you were 21.

*** Stay tuned for the December 15 blog: "Recipes from the Bottom of Our Stomachs (Kiwi Try to Eat What I Cooked? Pretty Peas?)." ***

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The Evolution of Parenting Views

You Who Think You Know It All Are Annoying to Those of Us That Do.

Behold humble pie.  It
goes well with crow.

Question: Who are the world’s foremost authorities on parenting?

Answer: People who’ve never had children, of course!

Admittedly, I was a card-carrying member of this elite group for almost 30 years. At the sight of a toddler throwing a tantrum in the frozen food aisle, a ketchup-smeared girl running amok in a restaurant, or a boy clad in Spiderman pajamas and rubber boots at the dentist’s office, my disdain was boundless.

"MY child will NEVER behave like THAT," I’d announce haughtily to all in earshot. "Clearly THOSE parents haven’t a CLUE on how to control their children."

Then I had child. Then two more. Now guess who has the tantrum-throwing, ketchup-smeared, rubber-booted kids?

And all I can say these days is, "Please pass the humble pie; I’ll have it with crow on the side."

*****

THEN (Before Childbirth): "My child will not ingest any substance with zero nutritional value."
NOW (After Childbirth): "Just a couple M&M’s. No more."

THEN: “I will not sound like my mother.”
NOW: “Don't cross your eyes or they’ll get stuck like that! Be careful or you'll put your eye out. What if everyone jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge? Would you do it, too?”

What if everyone jumped
off the Golden Gate Bridge?
Would you do it, too?

THEN: “I will not sound like my father.”
NOW: “Money does not grow on trees! Don’t make me come back there. Yes, I AM the boss of you. Bored! How can you be bored? I was never bored at your age!”

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THEN: “Money cannot buy happiness...”
NOW: “... but it can buy that Barbie dollhouse which will keep you busy for an extra half hour. Then Mommy will be happy. So, actually, money can buy happiness - in 30-minute increments.”

THEN: “Honesty is a virtue.”
NOW: “Sorry, Sweetheart, McDonald’s is closed. They’ve stopped cooking French fries. Forever.”

THEN: “TV cannot replace books and educational toys.”
NOW: “Shh, Sweetheart, Daddy’s trying to watch the last few minutes of Dancing with the Stars. Have a few more M&M’s and watch it with him.”

THEN: “We must be kind and courteous to others.”
NOW: “That #@*% idiot just cut me off! Hey, #$&@, I got a kid in the back seat! ... Um, Sweetheart, ‘#@*% idiot’ means ‘unsafe person.’”

Pajamas at an afternoon
wedding? You betcha!

THEN: “Manners are the way to brighten up a day. ‘Please,’ ‘thank you,’ and ‘may I’ will be our watchwords.”
NOW: “May I remind you to please sit down? Now. I said, NOW! THANK YOU!”

THEN: “I will never lose my temper. I will never raise my voice. I shall be calm, cool, and collected at all times.”
NOW: “Aaagggghhh! I can’t hear myself think! QUIT YELLING! STOP SCREECHING!!!!”

THEN: “Patience. Patience. Patience.”
NOW: “Here, take the whole #@*% bag of M&M’s and BE QUIET!”

Thanks to Sean and Christina - parents of four kids, ages 1 through 14 - who read the original draft of these “before/after” parenting views and then express-mailed us a five-pound bag of M&M’s... which we used up. Quickly.

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*** Stay tuned for the November 30 blog: "The Grass Is Always Greener (On the Other Side of 21)." ***