If Mothers Ran the World

Give Mom an Inch and She’ll Think She’s a Ruler.

"Queen Mother" can
 take on a whole
 new meaning.

In a fit of pique, my middle-school daughter called me a “tyrant” and “despot.” (Kudos to her reading teacher for excellent vocabulary lessons.) While I prefer the term “disciplinarian” - or even “martinet” - it got me thinking: what if mothers ruled the world? Forget about Democrats and Republicans; cancel the Tea Parties. Never mind Bloc Québécois and the Citizens for Undead Rights and Equality. Move over Jedi Order and Galactic Empire.

Imagine a United Nations of Mommies...

NO WAR

What would happen if a country misbehaves toward another country?

Instant time-out.

Repeat offenders shall lose privileges (e.g., allowance, favorite toys, satellite TV, Internet access, and reindeer games), write a letter of apology and deliver it in person, and offer to mow the other country’s lawn free for a month.

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GOOD-BYE ENERGY CRISIS

Picture the reduction in fossil fuel dependency when everyone travels via car pools in minivans and Volvo station wagons, bicycles (with Snell B-95 or equivalent helmets), stroller power, and “walking feet.”

Think about the decreased load on power grids when everyone gets only one hour of TV or Wii, but not both. And all lights are out by 8:00 p.m. SHARP!

FEED WORLD HUNGER

To feed the hungry:
move extra food from
Point A to Point B.

Remember all those starving children in those foreign fill-in-the-blank countries?

Under the new rule, the world is a giant potluck dinner, where there’s always far too much food. Every night, we’ll wrap up the extras and send it all out with a kiss.

POVERTY DEFEATED

One word: share.

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HOMES FOR THE HOMELESS

Yes, everyone shall be allowed to bring home a “stray” (pet or person) ... even though guess who will end up feeding him, cleaning up after him, and taking him for walks every day?

HOLISTIC HEALTH CARE

Mommy's kiss cures
a thousand ailments.

The World Health Organization, Centers for Disease Control, and American Medical Association shall officially recognize the medicinal power of Mommy’s kisses.

EDUCATIONAL REFORM

Teachers’ salaries shall triple. Star teachers’ salaries shall quintuple, especially those that teach words like “tyrant” and “despot.” Bad teachers shall be gently redirected down an alternative career path – e.g., hall monitor, sheep castrator, or avian vomitologist.

The excellent teacher salaries shall attract more qualified candidates to teaching professions, so class sizes shall dwindle. Better teachers plus smaller classes equals an exponential rise in the quality of education.
Students will love school, not fear or dread it. And they’d reach their fortieth birthdays without recurring dreams about forgetting to study for an exam or showing up to class without their homework.

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NO LOSERS

We’d restructure the sporting world’s award systems. For example, in the Olympics, everyone gets a gold medal for trying; first place finishers get a lollipop (no artificial colors and sweetened with organic barley malt syrup) as a bonus.

FASHION REDEFINED

Clean underwear shall be de rigueur, because you never know when you’ll get into an accident.

“Haute couture” shall be synonymous with “Mom jeans.”

By law, Lady Gaga, Miley Cyrus, and Britney Spears would wear more clothes. Brad Pitt, David Beckham, and the red-haired guy at the gym would wear less.

BUT SERIOUSLY, FOLKS...

Exercise your
Mom Power!

Sigh. While world domination may be a pleasant daydream for now, here’s reality: November 2 is Election Day here in the USA. Think of all the suffragists’ hard work and sacrifices that went into the Nineteenth Amendment; think of all the places in today’s world where women are “spoils of war,” sold, mutilated, or “protected” under the rubric of culture or religion.

Do not take women’s rights for granted. Let your voice be heard! Get out there and rock the vote, Mommies.

*** Stay tuned for the November 15 blog: "The Evolution of Parenting Views: You Who Think You Know It All Are Annoying to Those of Us That Do." ***

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Top 10 Clues You’re Pregnant Before Receipt of Official Medical Confirmation

We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Blood Test.

Pregnant or hitting the
potato chips too often?
You decide.

A good friend suspects she’s got a proverbial bun - or two - in the oven, and only awaits the arrival home of her husband tonight before she piddles on The Stick. Given the relative accuracy of The Stick nowadays - and her uncanny ability to follow package directions to the exact letter - a follow-up visit to the doctor seems almost superfluous (except for the part where she’d like an accurate count of the buns; as a mom of twins, I can appreciate that sentiment).

In honor of her (and all possibly expectant moms everywhere), I offer these “Top 10 Clues You’re Pregnant Before Receipt of Official Medical Confirmation.” In my friend’s case, a positive test would be welcome news ... so good luck!

Top 10 Clues You’re Pregnant Before Receipt of Official Medical Confirmation

10. Your base of operations moves to the bathroom.

9. At the sight, sound or thought of a baby, you whimper and drool like a puppy. If you had a tail, you’d wag it.

8. Greeting cards make you burst into tears. So do diaper commercials. And egg salad sandwiches.

7. You suffer from (or enjoy) bizarre, intense, short-lived, often concurrent cravings: fried squid and cole slaw; strawberry jam and chicken chow mein; guacamole and filet mignon, pink lemonade and Raisinettes ... but not pickles. Nor ice cream.

6. Cravings aside, you can eat only a forkful of cole slaw before you feel bloated or nauseated. Or both.

5. You eye strollers the way you used to eye pricey sport cars.

Shut eye? Get it while the
baby's on the inside,
because you won't get
any when the baby is
on the outside.

4. If you sit down, you fall asleep. Immediately.

3. Your center of gravity shifts a half-inch south each week.

2. Your waistline expands a half-inch each week (even though you’ve been subsisting on a pint of cole slaw, a forkful at a time). Even your elastic-waist pants are straining their fibers.

1. Can you say “perpetual backache”?

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*** Stay tuned for the October 31 blog: "If Mothers Ran the World (Give Mom an Inch and She'll Think She's a Ruler)." ***