How to Tell the Difference Between Toddlers and Tweens

You Almost Can’t.

With one pre-teen (“tween”) daughter, one toddler daughter, and one toddler son co-existing in semi-harmony (and semi-warfare) under the same roof, I live through a plethora of parenting lessons and observations every waking, never-dull moment.

I now offer this cheat sheet to moms with babes in arms and an eye on the Terrible Twos (Threes, Fours...) to come, and to moms with kids about to sup from the bowl of hormonal soup known as pre-adolescence.

(For those moms with a foot in both camps, I offer you a large glass of wine and a quiet place to lay your head.)

Top 15 Toddler Truisms (Especially Toddlers with Siblings)

1. Alliteration rocks.

2. The toy in my sibling’s hand is infinitely more interesting than the one in my hand - even if I have an exact duplicate.

3. I deserve a taste (or gulp) of whatever Dada is drinking. And I’ll cry when he refuses.

4. Happy Birthday to Me is a fantastic song every day.

5. Why crawl when I can walk?

6. Why walk when I can run?

7. When only one parent is supervising (especially outdoors), check which way my sibling is traveling and then move in the exact opposite direction. (See also #6.)

8. Food is just as tasty eaten off asphalt as from a plate.

9. If my sibling is crying, then there must be a good reason - so I’d better cry along (unless the reason is me, in which case I’d better hit him/her repeatedly).

10. Big sister’s bedroom is a tantalizing nirvana of unexplored, un-tasted choking hazards.

"No shampoooo!  Waaaa!"

11. Baths are fun only if no shampoo is involved.

12. Toes taste good.

13. Santa Claus may be a jolly fellow in picture books, but in person he is ONE SCARY DUDE.

14. It is perfectly normal to hug and kiss my sibling in one second and then smack him/her upside the head in the next.

15. Reverse psychology does not work. Repeat: does not work.

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Top 15 Tween Truisms

1. Lady Gaga rocks.

2. The iPod in Mom’s hand is infinitely fancier than the one in my hand.

3. I deserve a taste (or gulp) of whatever Dad is drinking. And I’ll pout when he refuses.

4. Anything from High School Musical 1 through 3 is a fantastic song every day.

5. Why walk when I can phone?

6. Why phone when I can text message? Oh wait, I can’t do that because Mom won’t get me a cell phone.

7. It’s fair to play Mom and Dad off each other. For example: “Dad, can I have a cell phone? Mom said it’s OK with her” and “Mom, can I have a cell phone? Dad said it’s OK with him” when all Mom or Dad ever said originally was “Don’t ask me now, can’t you see I’m on the phone?”

8. Food is just as tasty from Burger King as from a five star restaurant.

9. If my sibling is crying, then there must be a good reason - so I’d better cry along (unless the reason is me, in which case I’d better deny everything).

10. Mom’s closet is a tantalizing nirvana of unexplored, untried, unworn high-heeled shoes.

99 of 100 tweens will take
a burger and fries over a
Pemaquid Point lobster
pot pie any day.

11. Baths are fun only when scented bath salts, mood music, and a book are involved.

12. Saturated fats taste good.

13. Mom is the “Parent Formerly Known as Cool” ... or “The Big Fat Meanie,” depending on what she’s said “NO!!” about lately. (See also #6.)

14. It is perfectly normal to hug and kiss my siblings in one minute, screech at them in the next minute, and then dissolve into hysterical “Nobody understands me” tears for an hour.

15. Reverse psychology does not work. Repeat: Does. Not. Work.

*** Stay tuned for the next blog: "Quiz: Too Pooped to Peep (Is It Possible to Get Tired of Sleeping?)" ***

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