 |
| Serious Journalists now clamor for interviews! |
*****
In the opening scene of Allison Pearson’s I Don’t Know How She Does It, the working mom uses a rolling pin to “distress” a store-bought mince pie just after midnight. Why? So that later that morning, her daughter can present a “mother-made” pie at the school carol concert and avoid the humiliation of a Mother Who Doesn’t Take the Time (i.e., “Mom Who Doesn’t Care Enough”).This scene reminds us of Lisa: mom to three busy kids, classroom volunteer, semi-stage mother, PTA bake sale and yearbook committee conscript, longtime employee of a major petrochemical corporation, and Martha Stewart wannabe (except for the insider trading part). Let’s see how she “does it.”
SO, HAVE YOU EVER DISTRESSED A PIE TO PASS IT OFF AS MOTHER-MADE?
I distress only myself. No pies. But I recently bribed a Safeway baker for a tub of her butter cream frosting, and passed it off as made-from-scratch for my daughter’s birthday cupcakes. Technically, it was made from scratch ... just not at home. And not by me.
BUT YOU MADE THE CUPCAKES FROM SCRATCH, RIGHT?
Er, no. White cake mix with extra cinnamon dumped in ... cinnamon disguises all evils. Like cupcake forgery.
 |
| A key ingredient of forged cupcakes: cash for the baker's bribe. |
Okay, that counts as two questions, I have very limited time here, I have to pack tomorrow’s lunches, chaperone the school field trip, fold towels, pitch a new web site design to the middle managers, milk the cows and harvest the south wheat field all today, and YES, it’s a silly question! When your little girl looks up at you with trust in her eyes and faith in her mommy’s omnipotence, and she asks for snickerdoodle cupcakes with fluffy purple frosting for her birthday party, you don’t stop to think, you just rashly promise, “Yes, of course, ANYTHING you want!” You want to be Super Career Mom with a stellar career and a kitchen full of mother-made baked goods.
Back to Top
YOUR CAREER IS “STELLAR”?
Uh, no, just kind of spacey. I’m kind of spacey. Sleep deprivation, you know. Staying up all night to forge cupcakes. When I win the Lotto, I’ll take an early retirement, become a full-time stay-at-home mom, and single-handedly fill the entire PTA bake sale inventory with guilt-free, mother-made baked goods till my kids go to college.
DON’T YOU HAVE TO ACTUALLY BUY LOTTO TICKETS TO HAVE A CHANCE AT WINNING THE LOTTO?
Oh. Yeah, right. Okay, I’ll add it to tomorrow’s “To Do List.”
YOUR LOTTO CHANCES SEEM LOW TO NONEXISTENT. WHAT’S YOUR FALLBACK PLAN FOR EARLY RETIREMENT?
Patent the best new invention since the iPhone.
 |
| Early retirement idea: insert Energizer Kid who keeps going and going and going... |
Stick a four-year-old in a kid-sized hamster wheel, hook it to a generator, and let the kid run, run, run as much as she wants. All natural energy! And clean energy, now that potty training is a thing of the past. We could power all the lights in the house. Plus the TV and microwave. Probably even the washer and dryer. It would save on the electricity bill. Go green AND save green!
Back to Top
SO YOU BELIEVE IN CHILD LABOR?
You bet. It’s cheap, it keeps the kid busy and out of trouble, and strengthens self-esteem and little muscles, plus you get free electrical power, better than solar panels. Win-win situation, right?
DO YOU NO LONGER COMMUNICATE IN COMPLETE SENTENCES?
No. Yes. What?
 |
| Honestly: how does ANY mom do it?! |
Uh-uh. You said ten questions. That’s #11. Interview is over. I’m late for my meeting! Did you pack your notepad? Zip your coat. Want a snack for the road? No? Here’s one anyway. Buckle your seatbelt! Call me when you get there. Okay? OKAY? Okay!
*** Stay tuned for the February 15 blog: "What Fairy Tales Can Teach Kids (But Make It Quick; Long Fairy Tales Tend to Dragon)." ***
Back to Top
No comments:
Post a Comment