All I Really Need to Know I Learned...

From Mom.

Although she denies it, my
mom most assuredly
attended an international
mothers' summit.

With all due respect to Robert Fulghum, all I really need to know I learned from Mom, not kindergarten. And when I compare notes with friends across gender, matrimonial, progenitorial, and cultural lines, we all believe our moms must have held an international mothers’ summit while we slept and agreed on a single set of life lessons to drill into us.

Did your mother attend the summit, too? Recognize these?

MOM TAUGHT SCIENCE

Topography: “I walked to school every day, barefoot, through snow, and uphill. Both ways.”
Botany: “Money does not grow on trees.”
Anatomy: “You’d lose your head if it wasn’t screwed on.”
Cardiology: “Uh-huh, you’re breakin’ my heart.”
Physiology: “If you keep making that face, it will freeze in that position.”
More physiology: “If you stick your tongue out again, it will fall off.”
Ophthalmology: “Be careful or you’ll put your eye out.”
More ophthalmology: “Stop crossing your eyes, or they’ll get stuck that way.”
Even more ophthalmology: “I know because I have eyes in the back of my head.”

Back to Top

MOM TAUGHT AGRICULTURE

According to moms
everywhere, this is a
botanical impossibility.

Cultivation: “You have enough dirt behind those ears to grow potatoes.”
Farm buildings: “Shut that door. Don’t slam it! Were you born in a barn? Want some hay?”
Equine dentistry: “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.”
Porcine husbandry: “Your room looks like a pigsty!”
Ovine deportment: “Are you a sheep? What if everyone jumped off a cliff? Would you do it, too?” (Thanks to this one, I confused sheep with lemmings until freshman biology, and then discovered the lemmings-off-a-cliff thing was a hoax. Really!)

Back to Top

MOM TAUGHT MATHEMATICS

Counting: “You’d better [fill in the blank] before I finish counting to three!”
Exponential functions: “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times...”

Back to Top

MOM TAUGHT FASHION

Underwear: “Are you wearing clean underwear? You never know if you’ll be in an accident.” (Because the paramedics will check my underpants first.)
Outerwear: “Put on a coat. Put on a warmer coat. Is that the only coat you can find?”
Ready-to-wear: “Don’t tell me you’re going out dressed like that?”
Footwear: “Do you think your shoes and socks are going to pick themselves up?”
Nothing to wear: “How can you say that when your closet is FULL of clothes?!”

Back to Top

MOM TAUGHT CAREER PATHS

Paramedics are trained to
first check the cleanliness
of your underpants, then
your state of consciousness.

Housekeeping: “I’m not your cleaning lady.”
Food service: “I’m not your waitress.”
Transportation: “I’m not running a taxi service.”
Savings and loan: “Do I look like an ATM?”
Upper management: “Yes, I am the boss.”

Back to Top

MOM TAUGHT FINE DINING

Taste-testing: “How do you know you don’t like it if you haven’t tried it?”
Hand-mouth coordination: “Don’t shovel your food.”
Mastication: “Close your mouth when you chew. Chew slowly.”
Food criticism: “You will eat it, and you will like it!”
Gratification: “Dessert? Only if you clean your plate.”
Food and wine pairing: “You want some cheese with that whine?”
Dinner conversation: “Don’t talk with your mouth full!”
Ending dinner conversation: “Shut your mouth and eat.”

Back to Top

MOM TAUGHT CONVERSATIONAL ARTS

Small talk: “If I talked to my mother like you talk to me...”
Active listening: “Answer me when I ask you a question!”
Eye contact: “Look at me when I’m talking to you.”
Silence: “If you can’t speak properly, then do not speak.”

Back to Top

MOM TAUGHT LOGIC

Mom's favorite
word: "soap." Well, "soap"
plus "no" and "ha!"
and...

Comprehension: “What part of ‘NO’ didn’t you understand?”
Tautology: “Why? Because I said so.”
Cause and effect: “If you’re too full to finish your dinner, then you’re too full for dessert.”
More cause and effect: “If you’re too sick to go to school, then you’re too sick to play outside.”
Still more cause and effect: “If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about!”
Ditto: “I’ll treat you like an adult when you start acting like one.”
Ditto again: “If you fall and break your legs, don’t come running to me.”

Back to Top

MOM TAUGHT HYGIENE

Dirty objects in clean hands: “Don’t touch that - it’s dirty.”
Dirty hands on clean objects: “Don’t touch that! Your hands are dirty.”
Oral hygiene: “Take that out of your mouth. You don’t know where it’s been.”
More oral hygiene: “What did you say? You want me to wash your mouth out with soap?”
Potential Procter & Gamble marketing: “A little soap and water never killed anybody.”

Back to Top

MOM TAUGHT MODERN HISTORY

Modern warfare: “I don’t care who started it, I’m finishing it!”
Short-term memory: “What did I just say? Were you even listening?”
Medium-term memory: “What did I tell you the first time?”

Back to Top

MOM TAUGHT ANCIENT HISTORY

Early Triassic period: “Do you think I was born yesterday?”
Late Triassic period: “When I was a little girl...”
Jurassic period: “When I was young, we respected our elders. Now look at the world!”
Cretaceous period: “When I was your age...”

Back to Top

MOM TAUGHT GRATITUDE

I could only have dessert
if I finished my dinner, but
if I finished dinner, then
I was too full for dessert!

Ocular gratitude: “I’ll thank you NOT to roll your eyes at me.”
Major appliance gratitude: “I slave over a hot stove and this is the thanks I get?”
Philosophical gratitude: “You’ll appreciate my wisdom someday when you’re older and you’re grown.”
Gratitude gratitude: “Someday you will thank me for this.”

On that note: that “someday” has arrived - thanks, Mom. Seriously. I’ve learned a lot from you, and continue to do so every day. Your grandchildren will assure you that I’m passing all of your lessons along to them, too (verbatim!). No summit needed.

Another thing Mom always said: “Just remember, I love you and I’m proud of you no matter what.” Right back at you, Mom.

(Everyone all together now: “Awwwwww...”)

Happy Mother’s Day!

Back to Top

Glossary of Realtor Terms

“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”

You think you understand
him... but do you really?

My friends Hilary, Elissa, and Leah (and, oh yeah, their husbands) are all mulling the possibilities of buying larger homes to better fit their expanding broods.

I dedicate this translation of realtors’ commonly used phrases to them, their partners, and prospective home buying parents everywhere (or at least the continental U.S.).

Admittedly, real estate tips don’t fall intuitively into the category of parenting advice, but let’s face it: whatever minimizes Mommy’s frustration will help make the whole family happy.

And we want Mommy to be happy, don’t we? Don’t we?

*****

What Realtors SAY: Cozy. Darling. Quaint. Delightful. Charming. Cottage. Dollhouse. Starter Home.
What Realtors MEAN: Small. Tiny. Miniscule.

What Realtors SAY: __ years new.
What Realtors MEAN: __ years old.

What Realtors SAY: Old World charm.
What Realtors MEAN: Hasn’t been redecorated since the Roosevelt administration.

What Realtors SAY: Immaculate.
What Realtors MEAN: Seller has no furniture.

Back to Top

What Realtors SAY: Updated.
What Realtors MEAN: Seller recently painted the kitchen.

Beware of "darling" and
"dollhouse" used in the
same sentence.

What Realtors SAY: Remodeled.
What Realtors MEAN: Seller recently replaced the faucets.

What Realtors SAY: Motivated seller.
What Realtors MEAN: Seller will read your offer twice before laughing hysterically.

What Realtors SAY: Freeway access.
What Realtors MEAN: Interstate is on the other side of the backyard fence.

What Realtors SAY: Close to shopping.
What Realtors MEAN: CostCo’s garbage bins are on the other side of the backyard fence.

What Realtors SAY: Possibilities abound.
What Realtors MEAN: Bring your toolbox.

What Realtors SAY: Opportunity knocks.
What Realtors MEAN: Bring a contractor.

If you can afford this,
may I be your friend?

What Realtors SAY: Needs some TLC.
What Realtors MEAN: Bring a lot of contractors.

What Realtors SAY: Sold as is.
What Realtors MEAN: Bring a lawyer.

What Realtors SAY: Car port.
What Realtors MEAN: No garage.

What Realtors SAY: Port cochere.
What Realtors MEAN: Car port, but you can’t afford it.

What Realtors SAY: Golf course. Fairway. Country club. Guest quarters. Price on request.
What Realtors MEAN: You can’t afford it. Don’t even think about it. Hear me laughing? Ha ha ha ha ha ha...
Back to Top

What Fairy Tales Can Teach Kids

But Make It Quick; Long Fairy Tales Tend to Dragon.

Lesson: even a prince can
infect you with warts.

My friend Didianne - mother of three and devotee of the Steiner-Waldorf educational methodology - is a great proponent of the oral tradition of fairy tales as a teaching mechanism. Listening to fairy tales, she says, sharpens a child’s visualization, memory, and pattern and symbol recognition skills - all of which contribute to writing and reading readiness.

But some parents in our social circle object to fairy tales: the stories are too violent, gruesome, scary, riddled with pain and suffering... and sometimes have unhappy endings.

“Sometimes life has unhappy endings,” Didanne typically responds. “But life is also full of love, loyalty, courage, and hopefully a little magic. I want my children to be aware of both ends of the spectrum through the safety of a story.”

I’m in Didianne’s camp. If listening to fairy tales - or any narrative story - makes learning more fun than rote memorization and boosts my preschoolers’ pre-literacy skills, then I’ll tell a tale any time.

Another concept to keep in mind: in addition to safely introducing the concept of “good vs. evil,” fairy tales are rife with safety, moral, lifestyle, hygiene, travel, and even legal and construction lessons. It’s never too early to share those best practices with your children.

Need a refresher on some popular fairy tales? Feel free to use the following crib notes (no pun intended) for your teaching moments.

Back to Top

GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE BEARS

Trespassers come in
all shapes, sizes, and
hair colors.

Synopsis: Three anthropomorphic bears leave their hot breakfast on the table during their daily constitutional. While they’re away, an interloper named Goldilocks trespasses onto the bears’ property, eats their food, vandalizes their furniture, and sleeps in their beds until the bears return home.

Lessons:

• Lock your doors and set the security system when leaving your house.
• Never leave food unattended; you never know what pests will buzz in.
• Traveling in bear country? Four words: bear deterrent pepper spray.
• If you must play dead near a bear, don’t do it on the bear’s mattress.

(Note to parents: use your child’s reaction to this tale as an early indicator of his/her disciplinary issues later - if she’s horrified at Goldilocks’ antics, then you’ve got a rule-follower like my daughters; if he gets a wicked gleam in his eye while imagining the possibilities of unsupervised time in someone else’s abode, then brace yourself for future boundary-pusher like my son.)

Back to Top

THE THREE LITTLE PIGS

Synopsis: Three pig brothers build their respective houses out of natural materials. A hungry wolf with a large lung capacity is refused admittance, and resentfully destroys the first two houses. The surviving pigs flee to the third pig’s house. When the wolf pulls a Santa-down-the-chimney stunt, the pigs respond with a cauldron of boiling water.

Lessons:

• Always be prepared to defend against (or flee from) a hungry home invader.
• Use quality building materials.
• Follow the building codes - they exist for good reasons.
• Don’t underestimate the home court advantage.
• Move in with your smart brother.

Back to Top

JACK AND THE BEANSTALK

What if Jack had - gulp -
eaten the beans?!

Synopsis: Jack trades his family’s cow (for once, a non-anthropomorphic beast) for a huckster’s genetically mutated beans. Overnight, from the beans springs forth a skyscraper of a bean stalk. Jack climbs it to the lair of a giant with a keen sense of smell for Englishmen and no sense of iambic pentameter. When Jack is in danger of becoming the key ingredient in the giant's bread dough, Mrs. Giant pities him and helps distract her giant husband from his boy-hunt. Jack repays her kindness by stealing the giants’ bag of gold, golden-egg-laying poultry, and a magic harp. The giant chases Jack, but meets a tragic end when Jack chops down the beanstalk.

Lessons:

• You can score good deals from street vendors.
• Genetic engineering can produce sustainable agriculture.
• Wear deodorant when you go visiting.
• Get on and stay on the lady of the house’s good side.
• Claim self-defense when you kill the livid home owner who chases you after you’ve robbed him blind.

Back to Top

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD

Synopsis: Little Red Riding Hood sets off alone through the forest to deliver a basket of food to her ill grandmother. A wily wolf persuades her to detour (in spite her mother’s strict instructions not to do so), and then beats her to Grandma’s house where he devours Grandma, dresses in her clothes, and hops into her bed. Red finally appears, and while she remarks on the wolf’s big facial features, he eats her, too. Satiated, he sleeps. When a suspicious huntsman disembowels the wolf, Red and Grandma spring out whole (much like Athena from Zeus’ head, except without the Parthenon). They wreak vengeance by filling the wolf’s stomach with stones.

Lessons:

• Don’t talk to strangers.
• Directions provided by “helpful” strangers may not be so helpful. Use Google Maps instead.
• Follow Mom's instructions! If she tells you not to stray from the path, then do not bloody stray from the bloody path.
• Lock your doors, even when you’re home.
• Remember the peep hole in your front door? Use it.
• Chew your food thoroughly, because if you swallow it whole, you’ll never know when it’ll come back to haunt you.

Back to Top

HANSEL AND GRETEL

Imagine the ant and roach
problems the witch
must've had.  Ewww.

Synopsis: Afraid that their father and stepmother will abandon them to die in the forest, Hansel and Gretel leave a trail of breadcrumbs to mark their path back home. But the birds eat the crumbs, so Hansel and Gretel wander, lost and starving, until they stumble upon a full-scale gingerbread house, fabulously decorated with candies and frosting. Delicious! The home owner - a cannibalistic witch - captures Hansel to fatten him up for dinner . When the witch tries to trick Gretel into climbing into the hot oven - thereby becoming a Gretel hors d’oeuvre - Gretel shoves the witch inside instead. Good-bye, witch. Hello, witch’s treasure!

Lessons:

• Don’t hike in a dangerous forest with someone who hates you.
• Got an evil stepmother and a lily-livered father? Keep the Child Protective Services hotline number handy.
• A compass and topographical map trump breadcrumbs for navigating your way through the wilderness.
• If it looks too good to be true (e.g., a lifetime supply of free candy), then it is too good to be true.
• Crawling into large kitchen appliances is a bad idea.

Back to Top

BUT SERIOUSLY, FOLKS

For a change of pace from the Brothers Grimm and Hans Christian Andersen, try The Outspoken Princess and the Gentle Knight. Jack Zipes has edited this anthology of “modern fairy tales” written by the likes of Ernest Hemingway, A.S. Byatt, and Jane Yolen. These fifteen stories reflect more modern views of gender roles, democracy, and violence within the classic fairy tale themes of love, courage, and good versus evil.

Happy storytelling!

“Life itself is the most wonderful fairy tale of all.” - Hans Christian Andersen (1805-1875)

*** Stay tuned for the February 15 blog: "Glossary of Realtor Terms ("I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant')." ***

Back to Top

The Interviewer Strikes Back

Ten Questions for Lisa.

Serious Journalists now
clamor for interviews!

Amazing, but true (sort of): the success of the “Mom’s the Word” blog has yielded Lisa’s first interview by a Serious Journalist!

*****

In the opening scene of Allison Pearson’s I Don’t Know How She Does It, the working mom uses a rolling pin to “distress” a store-bought mince pie just after midnight. Why? So that later that morning, her daughter can present a “mother-made” pie at the school carol concert and avoid the humiliation of a Mother Who Doesn’t Take the Time (i.e., “Mom Who Doesn’t Care Enough”).

This scene reminds us of Lisa: mom to three busy kids, classroom volunteer, semi-stage mother, PTA bake sale and yearbook committee conscript, longtime employee of a major petrochemical corporation, and Martha Stewart wannabe (except for the insider trading part). Let’s see how she “does it.”

SO, HAVE YOU EVER DISTRESSED A PIE TO PASS IT OFF AS MOTHER-MADE?
I distress only myself. No pies. But I recently bribed a Safeway baker for a tub of her butter cream frosting, and passed it off as made-from-scratch for my daughter’s birthday cupcakes. Technically, it was made from scratch ... just not at home. And not by me.

BUT YOU MADE THE CUPCAKES FROM SCRATCH, RIGHT?
Er, no. White cake mix with extra cinnamon dumped in ... cinnamon disguises all evils. Like cupcake forgery.

A key ingredient of
forged cupcakes: cash
for the baker's bribe.

THIS MAY BE A SILLY QUESTION, BUT WHY BOTHER? WHY NOT JUST ORDER A CAKE FROM THE BAKERY?
Okay, that counts as two questions, I have very limited time here, I have to pack tomorrow’s lunches, chaperone the school field trip, fold towels, pitch a new web site design to the middle managers, milk the cows and harvest the south wheat field all today, and YES, it’s a silly question! When your little girl looks up at you with trust in her eyes and faith in her mommy’s omnipotence, and she asks for snickerdoodle cupcakes with fluffy purple frosting for her birthday party, you don’t stop to think, you just rashly promise, “Yes, of course, ANYTHING you want!” You want to be Super Career Mom with a stellar career and a kitchen full of mother-made baked goods.

Back to Top

YOUR CAREER IS “STELLAR”?
Uh, no, just kind of spacey. I’m kind of spacey. Sleep deprivation, you know. Staying up all night to forge cupcakes. When I win the Lotto, I’ll take an early retirement, become a full-time stay-at-home mom, and single-handedly fill the entire PTA bake sale inventory with guilt-free, mother-made baked goods till my kids go to college.

DON’T YOU HAVE TO ACTUALLY BUY LOTTO TICKETS TO HAVE A CHANCE AT WINNING THE LOTTO?
Oh. Yeah, right. Okay, I’ll add it to tomorrow’s “To Do List.”

YOUR LOTTO CHANCES SEEM LOW TO NONEXISTENT. WHAT’S YOUR FALLBACK PLAN FOR EARLY RETIREMENT?
Patent the best new invention since the iPhone.

Early retirement idea:
insert Energizer Kid
who keeps going
and going and going...

ANY IDEAS FOR THE BEST NEW INVENTION?
Stick a four-year-old in a kid-sized hamster wheel, hook it to a generator, and let the kid run, run, run as much as she wants. All natural energy! And clean energy, now that potty training is a thing of the past. We could power all the lights in the house. Plus the TV and microwave. Probably even the washer and dryer. It would save on the electricity bill. Go green AND save green!

Back to Top

SO YOU BELIEVE IN CHILD LABOR?
You bet. It’s cheap, it keeps the kid busy and out of trouble, and strengthens self-esteem and little muscles, plus you get free electrical power, better than solar panels. Win-win situation, right?

DO YOU NO LONGER COMMUNICATE IN COMPLETE SENTENCES?
No. Yes. What?

Honestly: how does
ANY mom do it?!

ANY OTHER “SUPER CAREER MOM” TIPS?
Uh-uh. You said ten questions. That’s #11. Interview is over. I’m late for my meeting! Did you pack your notepad? Zip your coat. Want a snack for the road? No? Here’s one anyway. Buckle your seatbelt! Call me when you get there. Okay? OKAY? Okay!

*** Stay tuned for the February 15 blog: "What Fairy Tales Can Teach Kids (But Make It Quick; Long Fairy Tales Tend to Dragon)." ***

Back to Top