Are the ABCs in That Order Because of the Song?
Daphne duMaurier is perhaps best known for her masterpiece
Rebecca, but my favorite duMaurier book is
My Cousin, Rachel for one memorable scene: Philip’s account of his bachelor cousin Ambrose teaching him the alphabet by “using the initial letters of every swearword - twenty-six of them took some finding.”
My 14-year-old self spent far too much time trying to identify Ambrose’s twenty-six swearwords... alas, unsuccessfully. C’mon, admit it: wouldn’t you pay good money to have that list?
These days, with my two preschoolers, learning the alphabet is confined to G-rated, picturesque words like “apple” and “zebra” with nary a swearword in the mix (at least, not audibly).
But what if I had to teach the alphabet to a non-English speaking mom? It’d be as easy as, well, A-B-C, because we’d use words with concepts that moms across all language barriers can understand:
“A” is for the AVALANCHE that occurs when the tottering tower of unwashed dishes, bowls, and cups on the kitchen counter reaches its literal tipping point.
“B” is for BODILY FLUIDS that flow continuously in liquid, slurry, and semi-solid form from children’s orifices, especially after birthday parties featuring burritos, “kitchen sink” ice cream sundaes, and bounce houses - in that order. Whew. Let’s face it: motherhood is not for the faint of heart or weak of stomach.
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Bouncing and birthday
parties: Do. Not. Mix. |
“C” is for CAFFEINE, that vital prerequisite for a wide-awake mommy. On many days, I’d appreciate an intravenous drip of caffeine, but the medical establishment has yet to cooperate.
“D” is for DADDY. Let’s hear it for the big guy who actually enjoys wrestling in the dirt with the kids; who takes out the garbage, mops up the midnight barf, and assures Mommy that no, those pants do not make her butt look fat.
“E” is for ENERGY. Kids have a seemingly bottomless reservoir of the stuff, especially on those “Mommy’s gone decaf days.” Sigh. If only we could harness kids’ energy to power light bulbs and minor appliances.
“F” is for FATIGUE, a mom’s constant companion during the kids’ infant-toddler years. And the preschooler years. And the pre-teen years. And...
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“G” is for GOBBLE: what kids - and moms - do when faced with a heretofore forbidden dessert.
“H” is for HAND-ME-DOWNS. Thank goodness (or rather, thank you, Angela and Denise) for this wardrobe staple, especially when these clothes are far more stylish than what I could have managed to buy new with my fashion sense (or lack thereof).
“I” is for INSTRUCTIONS which moms repeat twice, thrice, a dozen, umpteen times to put the plate in the dishwasher and the underwear in the laundry basket. At some point, plan to tattoo these instructions on your kids’ (and husband’s) foreheads while they sleep.
“J” is for JUGGLER. Moms are expert jugglers of kids’ play dates, dance classes, soccer games, swim lessons, and orthodontist appointments, plus our own grocery lists, dinner menus, chores, volunteer gigs, work assignments, client meetings, etc. Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey jugglers ain’t got nothing on us moms. Who do you get when you cross a Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey juggler with a Donald Trump “apprentice”? M-o-m.
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“K” is for KISS. Dispense these freely and often to your kids. (Yeah, every list needs one sentimental, free-of-irony item.)
“L” is for LAUNDRY. Think paint, play dough, mud, ketchup, mustard, jam, grease, grass, bodily fluids... how can a kid get so many articles of clothing so filthy in a single day?!
“M” is for MARTINI, shaken not stirred, to be sipped while a handsome British gentleman listens raptly to the challenges of chaperoning the preschool field trip... oops, excuse me. Must’ve dozed off. Must. Get. More. Caffeine!
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Everyone together now:
"Sugar-honey-iced-tea!!" |
Speaking of which...
“N” is for NAP: the thing the children need so badly, yet adamantly refuse to succumb, while you’d sell your soul to the devil for one yourself.
“O” is for the “OH, &@*#$!!” to be muttered after a glass of milk splashes across the floor for the third time during the same meal.
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“P” is for PUNCTUAL, which hasn’t occurred since pre-pregnancy days. Getting all the kids fully dressed, combed, brushed, washed, and transported on time takes the patience of a saint and the leadership and logistical talents of Hannibal crossing the Alps. If we aim for a half-hour early, we end up a half-hour late. And strange, but true: aiming for an hour early makes us an hour late. Go figure.
“Q” is for QUIET, a relatively unknown concept in a house full of kids, pets, and - thanks, Grandpa - battery-operated toys. My husband once tried to prove that quiet happens between 1:00 and 4:00 a.m., but a subsequent tape recording revealed snores, snuffles, coughs, meows, and a plaintive, “Mom-meeee! I gotta potty!”
“R” is for RECKLESS abandon: how kids play and how moms eat chocolate.
“S” is for “SUGAR-Honey-Iced-Tea!” Too sleep-deprived to decipher this one? It’s a child-appropriate version of the earthier word you want to unleash under strain, but can’t, especially because the kids are sure to repeat any invective verbatim during church and/or Great-Aunt Ginger’s annual visit.
“T” is for TANTRUM, a seemingly daily, public, howling, all-appendages event, pitched by either over-stimulated child or under-stimulated (i.e., decaffeinated) mother, and sometimes both at the same time.
“U” is for UNDERWEAR. Investment advisors haven’t clued into this tip yet: if you toss a quarter into a jar for each pair of undies to wash during the potty-training years, you’ll have enough funds to cover each kid’s college tuition when the time comes. (A quarter for each pair during the post-potty training years will pay for grad school.)
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“V” is for VOLUME of sound. Kids have two volume settings: “loud” and “asleep.” Note that “asleep” does not equal “mute”; see the “Q is for quiet” entry.
“W” is for WHINE and its homonym WINE. Hearing too much of the former makes a mom wish for a large glass of the latter.
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Cause: whine.
Effect: want wine. |
“X” is for XEROSTOMIA. It’s the dryness of Mom’s mouth that results after an entire day of barking instructions, reading
Green Eggs and Ham two dozen times aloud, singing countless rounds of
Wheels on the Bus, catching adventurous toddlers before they fall off the monkey bars, apprehending fleet preschoolers before they tricycle into the street, and bellowing, “SUGAR-HONEY-ICED-TEA!” To get a mom’s mouth to water again, brandish a tray of Swiss chocolate truffles under her nose or show her a photo of a handsome British gentleman with a martini in hand.
“Y” is for “WHY?” Yes, it’s a phonetic cheat, but perfectly valid here. Because little enquiring minds want to know, moms hear “why” all day: “Why do cats meow and not bark? Why are there no dinosaurs now? Why is candy bad for me? Why can’t I have a crocodile? Why do I have to brush my teeth? Why is your tummy way bigger than mine? Why does Auntie Luella smell? Why does my butt itch? Why is your face turning red? Why, why, why...?”
“Z” is for ZZZ. Ah, moms’ sleep: more precious than platinum, more elusive than the Abominable Snowman, more coveted than George Clooney’s phone number, and more enjoyable - especially in an uninterrupted six-hour chunk - than the last éclair on the plate. May you catch some quality zzz’s soon. (If not, at least snatch the last éclair.)
Now we know Mom’s ABCs - next time won’t you sing with me?
*** Stay tuned for the August 30 blog: "How to Tell the Difference Between Toddlers and Tweens: You Almost Can’t." ***
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