What Fairy Tales Can Teach Kids

But Make It Quick; Long Fairy Tales Tend to Dragon.

Lesson: even a prince can
infect you with warts.

My friend Didianne - mother of three and devotee of the Steiner-Waldorf educational methodology - is a great proponent of the oral tradition of fairy tales as a teaching mechanism. Listening to fairy tales, she says, sharpens a child’s visualization, memory, and pattern and symbol recognition skills - all of which contribute to writing and reading readiness.

But some parents in our social circle object to fairy tales: the stories are too violent, gruesome, scary, riddled with pain and suffering... and sometimes have unhappy endings.

“Sometimes life has unhappy endings,” Didanne typically responds. “But life is also full of love, loyalty, courage, and hopefully a little magic. I want my children to be aware of both ends of the spectrum through the safety of a story.”

I’m in Didianne’s camp. If listening to fairy tales - or any narrative story - makes learning more fun than rote memorization and boosts my preschoolers’ pre-literacy skills, then I’ll tell a tale any time.

Another concept to keep in mind: in addition to safely introducing the concept of “good vs. evil,” fairy tales are rife with safety, moral, lifestyle, hygiene, travel, and even legal and construction lessons. It’s never too early to share those best practices with your children.

Need a refresher on some popular fairy tales? Feel free to use the following crib notes (no pun intended) for your teaching moments.

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GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE BEARS

Trespassers come in
all shapes, sizes, and
hair colors.

Synopsis: Three anthropomorphic bears leave their hot breakfast on the table during their daily constitutional. While they’re away, an interloper named Goldilocks trespasses onto the bears’ property, eats their food, vandalizes their furniture, and sleeps in their beds until the bears return home.

Lessons:

• Lock your doors and set the security system when leaving your house.
• Never leave food unattended; you never know what pests will buzz in.
• Traveling in bear country? Four words: bear deterrent pepper spray.
• If you must play dead near a bear, don’t do it on the bear’s mattress.

(Note to parents: use your child’s reaction to this tale as an early indicator of his/her disciplinary issues later - if she’s horrified at Goldilocks’ antics, then you’ve got a rule-follower like my daughters; if he gets a wicked gleam in his eye while imagining the possibilities of unsupervised time in someone else’s abode, then brace yourself for future boundary-pusher like my son.)

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THE THREE LITTLE PIGS

Synopsis: Three pig brothers build their respective houses out of natural materials. A hungry wolf with a large lung capacity is refused admittance, and resentfully destroys the first two houses. The surviving pigs flee to the third pig’s house. When the wolf pulls a Santa-down-the-chimney stunt, the pigs respond with a cauldron of boiling water.

Lessons:

• Always be prepared to defend against (or flee from) a hungry home invader.
• Use quality building materials.
• Follow the building codes - they exist for good reasons.
• Don’t underestimate the home court advantage.
• Move in with your smart brother.

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JACK AND THE BEANSTALK

What if Jack had - gulp -
eaten the beans?!

Synopsis: Jack trades his family’s cow (for once, a non-anthropomorphic beast) for a huckster’s genetically mutated beans. Overnight, from the beans springs forth a skyscraper of a bean stalk. Jack climbs it to the lair of a giant with a keen sense of smell for Englishmen and no sense of iambic pentameter. When Jack is in danger of becoming the key ingredient in the giant's bread dough, Mrs. Giant pities him and helps distract her giant husband from his boy-hunt. Jack repays her kindness by stealing the giants’ bag of gold, golden-egg-laying poultry, and a magic harp. The giant chases Jack, but meets a tragic end when Jack chops down the beanstalk.

Lessons:

• You can score good deals from street vendors.
• Genetic engineering can produce sustainable agriculture.
• Wear deodorant when you go visiting.
• Get on and stay on the lady of the house’s good side.
• Claim self-defense when you kill the livid home owner who chases you after you’ve robbed him blind.

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LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD

Synopsis: Little Red Riding Hood sets off alone through the forest to deliver a basket of food to her ill grandmother. A wily wolf persuades her to detour (in spite her mother’s strict instructions not to do so), and then beats her to Grandma’s house where he devours Grandma, dresses in her clothes, and hops into her bed. Red finally appears, and while she remarks on the wolf’s big facial features, he eats her, too. Satiated, he sleeps. When a suspicious huntsman disembowels the wolf, Red and Grandma spring out whole (much like Athena from Zeus’ head, except without the Parthenon). They wreak vengeance by filling the wolf’s stomach with stones.

Lessons:

• Don’t talk to strangers.
• Directions provided by “helpful” strangers may not be so helpful. Use Google Maps instead.
• Follow Mom's instructions! If she tells you not to stray from the path, then do not bloody stray from the bloody path.
• Lock your doors, even when you’re home.
• Remember the peep hole in your front door? Use it.
• Chew your food thoroughly, because if you swallow it whole, you’ll never know when it’ll come back to haunt you.

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HANSEL AND GRETEL

Imagine the ant and roach
problems the witch
must've had.  Ewww.

Synopsis: Afraid that their father and stepmother will abandon them to die in the forest, Hansel and Gretel leave a trail of breadcrumbs to mark their path back home. But the birds eat the crumbs, so Hansel and Gretel wander, lost and starving, until they stumble upon a full-scale gingerbread house, fabulously decorated with candies and frosting. Delicious! The home owner - a cannibalistic witch - captures Hansel to fatten him up for dinner . When the witch tries to trick Gretel into climbing into the hot oven - thereby becoming a Gretel hors d’oeuvre - Gretel shoves the witch inside instead. Good-bye, witch. Hello, witch’s treasure!

Lessons:

• Don’t hike in a dangerous forest with someone who hates you.
• Got an evil stepmother and a lily-livered father? Keep the Child Protective Services hotline number handy.
• A compass and topographical map trump breadcrumbs for navigating your way through the wilderness.
• If it looks too good to be true (e.g., a lifetime supply of free candy), then it is too good to be true.
• Crawling into large kitchen appliances is a bad idea.

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BUT SERIOUSLY, FOLKS

For a change of pace from the Brothers Grimm and Hans Christian Andersen, try The Outspoken Princess and the Gentle Knight. Jack Zipes has edited this anthology of “modern fairy tales” written by the likes of Ernest Hemingway, A.S. Byatt, and Jane Yolen. These fifteen stories reflect more modern views of gender roles, democracy, and violence within the classic fairy tale themes of love, courage, and good versus evil.

Happy storytelling!

“Life itself is the most wonderful fairy tale of all.” - Hans Christian Andersen (1805-1875)

*** Stay tuned for the February 15 blog: "Glossary of Realtor Terms ("I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant')." ***

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The Interviewer Strikes Back

Ten Questions for Lisa.

Serious Journalists now
clamor for interviews!

Amazing, but true (sort of): the success of the “Mom’s the Word” blog has yielded Lisa’s first interview by a Serious Journalist!

*****

In the opening scene of Allison Pearson’s I Don’t Know How She Does It, the working mom uses a rolling pin to “distress” a store-bought mince pie just after midnight. Why? So that later that morning, her daughter can present a “mother-made” pie at the school carol concert and avoid the humiliation of a Mother Who Doesn’t Take the Time (i.e., “Mom Who Doesn’t Care Enough”).

This scene reminds us of Lisa: mom to three busy kids, classroom volunteer, semi-stage mother, PTA bake sale and yearbook committee conscript, longtime employee of a major petrochemical corporation, and Martha Stewart wannabe (except for the insider trading part). Let’s see how she “does it.”

SO, HAVE YOU EVER DISTRESSED A PIE TO PASS IT OFF AS MOTHER-MADE?
I distress only myself. No pies. But I recently bribed a Safeway baker for a tub of her butter cream frosting, and passed it off as made-from-scratch for my daughter’s birthday cupcakes. Technically, it was made from scratch ... just not at home. And not by me.

BUT YOU MADE THE CUPCAKES FROM SCRATCH, RIGHT?
Er, no. White cake mix with extra cinnamon dumped in ... cinnamon disguises all evils. Like cupcake forgery.

A key ingredient of
forged cupcakes: cash
for the baker's bribe.

THIS MAY BE A SILLY QUESTION, BUT WHY BOTHER? WHY NOT JUST ORDER A CAKE FROM THE BAKERY?
Okay, that counts as two questions, I have very limited time here, I have to pack tomorrow’s lunches, chaperone the school field trip, fold towels, pitch a new web site design to the middle managers, milk the cows and harvest the south wheat field all today, and YES, it’s a silly question! When your little girl looks up at you with trust in her eyes and faith in her mommy’s omnipotence, and she asks for snickerdoodle cupcakes with fluffy purple frosting for her birthday party, you don’t stop to think, you just rashly promise, “Yes, of course, ANYTHING you want!” You want to be Super Career Mom with a stellar career and a kitchen full of mother-made baked goods.

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YOUR CAREER IS “STELLAR”?
Uh, no, just kind of spacey. I’m kind of spacey. Sleep deprivation, you know. Staying up all night to forge cupcakes. When I win the Lotto, I’ll take an early retirement, become a full-time stay-at-home mom, and single-handedly fill the entire PTA bake sale inventory with guilt-free, mother-made baked goods till my kids go to college.

DON’T YOU HAVE TO ACTUALLY BUY LOTTO TICKETS TO HAVE A CHANCE AT WINNING THE LOTTO?
Oh. Yeah, right. Okay, I’ll add it to tomorrow’s “To Do List.”

YOUR LOTTO CHANCES SEEM LOW TO NONEXISTENT. WHAT’S YOUR FALLBACK PLAN FOR EARLY RETIREMENT?
Patent the best new invention since the iPhone.

Early retirement idea:
insert Energizer Kid
who keeps going
and going and going...

ANY IDEAS FOR THE BEST NEW INVENTION?
Stick a four-year-old in a kid-sized hamster wheel, hook it to a generator, and let the kid run, run, run as much as she wants. All natural energy! And clean energy, now that potty training is a thing of the past. We could power all the lights in the house. Plus the TV and microwave. Probably even the washer and dryer. It would save on the electricity bill. Go green AND save green!

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SO YOU BELIEVE IN CHILD LABOR?
You bet. It’s cheap, it keeps the kid busy and out of trouble, and strengthens self-esteem and little muscles, plus you get free electrical power, better than solar panels. Win-win situation, right?

DO YOU NO LONGER COMMUNICATE IN COMPLETE SENTENCES?
No. Yes. What?

Honestly: how does
ANY mom do it?!

ANY OTHER “SUPER CAREER MOM” TIPS?
Uh-uh. You said ten questions. That’s #11. Interview is over. I’m late for my meeting! Did you pack your notepad? Zip your coat. Want a snack for the road? No? Here’s one anyway. Buckle your seatbelt! Call me when you get there. Okay? OKAY? Okay!

*** Stay tuned for the February 15 blog: "What Fairy Tales Can Teach Kids (But Make It Quick; Long Fairy Tales Tend to Dragon)." ***

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Recipes from the Bottom of Our Stomachs

Kiwi Try to Eat What I Cooked? Pretty Peas?

The microwave: cooking
appliance or instrument
of torture? You decide.

Let’s face it: along with “peace” and “good will,” the holiday season is also filled with stress and hunger pangs.

Here’s an excerpt from my upcoming cookbook for parents with finicky toddlers/preschoolers, aspiring vegetarian tweens, spouses who cannot boil water, and microwave ovens whose sole function is to burn anything placed within.

LITTLE SPROUTS’ BOUNTIFUL HEALTH SALAD
Avoid future eating disorders with this classic.
4 T cubed cooked free-range chicken
4 T cubed mild cheddar cheese
2 T organic whole milk vanilla yogurt
2 T petite peas
2 T corn niblets
1 T raisins

Place all ingredients on a plate, but do not let any food item touch another. Squish peas between forefinger and thumb; flick results at siblings. Give chicken to cat lurking beneath the table. Smear yogurt in hair, on pants, and on dining room wall. Lick cheese. Eat raisins. Ignore corn. Ask for a Popsicle.

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BECOMING A PRE-TEEN VEGETARIAN IS A MISSED STEAK
Encourage your tweenager’s culinary independence.
2 c vegetable stock
1 c wheat berries
½ brick extra-firm tofu
½ c petite peas
1 carrot

Announce conversion to vegetarianism to live more harmoniously with nature and BTW, Justin-Taylor-Zac-Pattinson Whatzhisface is vegetarian, like! Totally! OMG! (Translation: “By the way, I’m extremely excited that as a fellow vegetarian, I improve my chance of becoming the future Mrs. Whatzhisface, oh my gosh!”)

Food to parents.
Ammunition to kids.

Dice tofu; squirm at unexpected slimy texture - way gah-ross, makes me wanna vom, not EI (translation: “So disgusting that I tend toward regurgitating rather than eating it”). Place wheat berries and vegetable stock in Mom’s favorite Calphalon sauce pan; boil off too much vegetable stock so that wheat berries form crusty, reeking gunk in bottom of pot. Grrr and WE! (Translation: “Whatever,” with a frustrated growl.)

Join siblings’ pea-flicking fight. Hit younger siblings with carrot before shredding both carrot and first knuckle of left hand on grater; sniffle that cooking is like hellacious 2 D max and I’m sooooo over it. (Translation: “I find food preparation horribly difficult, and surrender to defeat.”) Offer tofu to cat (who refuses). Steal siblings’ unlicked cheese cubes.

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BIG DADDY’S AIR SANDWICH
Perfect for those “on the go” meals: just slap it together.
2 slices artisan whole grain bread
1 slice smoked turkey
1 slice Monterey Jack cheese
2 T cranberry-orange relish
Alfalfa sprouts

The family cat: a
surprisingly effective
replacement for a floor
mop. (But sheer hell
on upholstery.)

Layer one slice of bread on the other. Hear roar of the big game’s crowd on TV in the next room. Sprint out the door with bread clutched in hand; leave turkey, cheese, relish, and sprouts on kitchen counter till post-game show ends. Stagger back to kitchen; discover cat has eaten the turkey and cheese, cold-shouldered the sprouts, and spilled and tracked cranberry relish from the counter, across the floor, and onto the new cream throw pillows from Crate and Barrel.

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NUTHIN’ BUTT PURE RUMP ROAST
Enjoy California casual dining at its finest.
1 boneless beef rump roast (4-5 lb.)
10 garlic cloves
5 medium onions
6 c water
½ c all-purpose flour
¼ c vegetable shortening
2 c Holiday M&Ms

Your kids may cheer for
the Pizza Guy louder than
they cheer for your
rump roast.  Really.

Trim excess fat from rump roast. Think about fat on rumps in general; think about fat on own rump in particular. Make a New Year’s resolution to join Weight Watchers. Eat toddlers’ leftover corn and tween’s tofu. Begin chopping onions; get a little teary-eyed. Eat two handfuls of Holiday M&Ms when kids aren’t looking. Stop to play with toddlers; when they ask why you smell like chocolate, respond with a straight face: “All mommies smell like chocolate.”

Resume chopping onions. Cry harder. Eat remaining M&Ms; lick the bowl. Wipe toddlers’ tears when you refuse to play more so you can cook. Get stomachache from pea, corn, tofu, and M&M mixture. Abandon rump roast; shoo cat away. Direct husband to clean up rump, yogurt smears, wheat berry gunk, wilted sprouts, and empty cranberry relish jar; remind him of the ruined throw pillows if he protests. Phone in pizza order: one “Say Cheese, Please” for the kids and one “Carnivore Special” for the grown-ups and cat.

Bon appétit!

*** Happy holidays!  (I'm taking a blog break for a month.)  Stay tuned for the January 15 blog: "The Interviewer Strikes Back." ***

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The Grass Is Always Greener

...on the Other Side of 21.

Be honest: how old were
you when this gem
hit the theatres?

During Thanksgiving weekend, my sister-in-law Michelle (who looks like a younger, blond Angelina Jolie with fewer children) noticed that the “Kids’ Table” occupants are now sporting wedding rings, drivers’ licenses, and college diplomas - and don’t predate (gulp) Star Wars, let alone Pee-Wee's Big Adventure.

“Omigod,” Michelle groaned. “I am feeling so O-to-the-L-to-the-D!”

It took me a moment (and another slug of caffeine) before I translated her statement to “Oh, my God, I feel old” ...which really made me feel so O-to-the-L-to-the-D.

Do celebrations of anniversaries of my 39th birthday constitute “old”? I think not. Maybe grudging middle age. Which leads me to share a few observations about middle age and (ah!) sweet youth...

*****

YOU KNOW YOU’RE MIDDLE-AGED WHEN...

• Your kid’s teacher is younger than you ... by 15 years.

• You know how to install a dishwasher, replace a fluorescent light fixture, and repair the sprinkler system without reading an owner’s manual or researching it on the Internet.

• Your work career spans longer than your school career (including preschool and the graduate work).

Science has yet to explain
the phenomenon of how
fat leaps from cake to
hips without ingestion.

• Your official age is 39-and-holding.

• At least one muscle or joint in your body always aches or creaks (or both).

• Your favorite alphanumeric phrase is “401K.”

• You gain weight just by looking at chocolate cake.

• The “oldies” radio station now plays songs from your high school and college years. (Duran Duran! Huey Lewis and the News! John Mellencamp!)

• Who cares how ugly those shoes are as long as they’re comfortable!

• You wish you were 21.

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YOU KNOW YOU’RE STILL YOUNG WHEN...

• You have more than enough élan to pull off an ensemble of a hot pink shirt, lime green pants, a necklace that bears an eerie resemblance to a bicycle chain, and a faux leopard fur capelet. Or a fairy princess gown, a feather boa, and motorcycle boots.

• You wish Miley Cyrus was your big sister.

• You really care who wins an MTV Video Music Award.

• You count your age in halves and quarters (as in “I’m 7¾ years old” or “I can’t wait till I’m 12½”).

• Twinkies taste good.

• You sprint up four flights of stairs without breaking a sweat, with enough breath and energy left to do an intricate victory dance.

Instrument of torture or
fashion statement?
Your answer will
reveal your age.

• Who’s Huey Lewis?

• Who cares how uncomfortable those shoes are as long as they’re gorgeous!

• You wish you were 21.

*** Stay tuned for the December 15 blog: "Recipes from the Bottom of Our Stomachs (Kiwi Try to Eat What I Cooked? Pretty Peas?)." ***

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The Evolution of Parenting Views

You Who Think You Know It All Are Annoying to Those of Us That Do.

Behold humble pie.  It
goes well with crow.

Question: Who are the world’s foremost authorities on parenting?

Answer: People who’ve never had children, of course!

Admittedly, I was a card-carrying member of this elite group for almost 30 years. At the sight of a toddler throwing a tantrum in the frozen food aisle, a ketchup-smeared girl running amok in a restaurant, or a boy clad in Spiderman pajamas and rubber boots at the dentist’s office, my disdain was boundless.

"MY child will NEVER behave like THAT," I’d announce haughtily to all in earshot. "Clearly THOSE parents haven’t a CLUE on how to control their children."

Then I had child. Then two more. Now guess who has the tantrum-throwing, ketchup-smeared, rubber-booted kids?

And all I can say these days is, "Please pass the humble pie; I’ll have it with crow on the side."

*****

THEN (Before Childbirth): "My child will not ingest any substance with zero nutritional value."
NOW (After Childbirth): "Just a couple M&M’s. No more."

THEN: “I will not sound like my mother.”
NOW: “Don't cross your eyes or they’ll get stuck like that! Be careful or you'll put your eye out. What if everyone jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge? Would you do it, too?”

What if everyone jumped
off the Golden Gate Bridge?
Would you do it, too?

THEN: “I will not sound like my father.”
NOW: “Money does not grow on trees! Don’t make me come back there. Yes, I AM the boss of you. Bored! How can you be bored? I was never bored at your age!”

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THEN: “Money cannot buy happiness...”
NOW: “... but it can buy that Barbie dollhouse which will keep you busy for an extra half hour. Then Mommy will be happy. So, actually, money can buy happiness - in 30-minute increments.”

THEN: “Honesty is a virtue.”
NOW: “Sorry, Sweetheart, McDonald’s is closed. They’ve stopped cooking French fries. Forever.”

THEN: “TV cannot replace books and educational toys.”
NOW: “Shh, Sweetheart, Daddy’s trying to watch the last few minutes of Dancing with the Stars. Have a few more M&M’s and watch it with him.”

THEN: “We must be kind and courteous to others.”
NOW: “That #@*% idiot just cut me off! Hey, #$&@, I got a kid in the back seat! ... Um, Sweetheart, ‘#@*% idiot’ means ‘unsafe person.’”

Pajamas at an afternoon
wedding? You betcha!

THEN: “Manners are the way to brighten up a day. ‘Please,’ ‘thank you,’ and ‘may I’ will be our watchwords.”
NOW: “May I remind you to please sit down? Now. I said, NOW! THANK YOU!”

THEN: “I will never lose my temper. I will never raise my voice. I shall be calm, cool, and collected at all times.”
NOW: “Aaagggghhh! I can’t hear myself think! QUIT YELLING! STOP SCREECHING!!!!”

THEN: “Patience. Patience. Patience.”
NOW: “Here, take the whole #@*% bag of M&M’s and BE QUIET!”

Thanks to Sean and Christina - parents of four kids, ages 1 through 14 - who read the original draft of these “before/after” parenting views and then express-mailed us a five-pound bag of M&M’s... which we used up. Quickly.

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*** Stay tuned for the November 30 blog: "The Grass Is Always Greener (On the Other Side of 21)." ***

If Mothers Ran the World

Give Mom an Inch and She’ll Think She’s a Ruler.

"Queen Mother" can
 take on a whole
 new meaning.

In a fit of pique, my middle-school daughter called me a “tyrant” and “despot.” (Kudos to her reading teacher for excellent vocabulary lessons.) While I prefer the term “disciplinarian” - or even “martinet” - it got me thinking: what if mothers ruled the world? Forget about Democrats and Republicans; cancel the Tea Parties. Never mind Bloc Québécois and the Citizens for Undead Rights and Equality. Move over Jedi Order and Galactic Empire.

Imagine a United Nations of Mommies...

NO WAR

What would happen if a country misbehaves toward another country?

Instant time-out.

Repeat offenders shall lose privileges (e.g., allowance, favorite toys, satellite TV, Internet access, and reindeer games), write a letter of apology and deliver it in person, and offer to mow the other country’s lawn free for a month.

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GOOD-BYE ENERGY CRISIS

Picture the reduction in fossil fuel dependency when everyone travels via car pools in minivans and Volvo station wagons, bicycles (with Snell B-95 or equivalent helmets), stroller power, and “walking feet.”

Think about the decreased load on power grids when everyone gets only one hour of TV or Wii, but not both. And all lights are out by 8:00 p.m. SHARP!

FEED WORLD HUNGER

To feed the hungry:
move extra food from
Point A to Point B.

Remember all those starving children in those foreign fill-in-the-blank countries?

Under the new rule, the world is a giant potluck dinner, where there’s always far too much food. Every night, we’ll wrap up the extras and send it all out with a kiss.

POVERTY DEFEATED

One word: share.

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HOMES FOR THE HOMELESS

Yes, everyone shall be allowed to bring home a “stray” (pet or person) ... even though guess who will end up feeding him, cleaning up after him, and taking him for walks every day?

HOLISTIC HEALTH CARE

Mommy's kiss cures
a thousand ailments.

The World Health Organization, Centers for Disease Control, and American Medical Association shall officially recognize the medicinal power of Mommy’s kisses.

EDUCATIONAL REFORM

Teachers’ salaries shall triple. Star teachers’ salaries shall quintuple, especially those that teach words like “tyrant” and “despot.” Bad teachers shall be gently redirected down an alternative career path – e.g., hall monitor, sheep castrator, or avian vomitologist.

The excellent teacher salaries shall attract more qualified candidates to teaching professions, so class sizes shall dwindle. Better teachers plus smaller classes equals an exponential rise in the quality of education.
Students will love school, not fear or dread it. And they’d reach their fortieth birthdays without recurring dreams about forgetting to study for an exam or showing up to class without their homework.

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NO LOSERS

We’d restructure the sporting world’s award systems. For example, in the Olympics, everyone gets a gold medal for trying; first place finishers get a lollipop (no artificial colors and sweetened with organic barley malt syrup) as a bonus.

FASHION REDEFINED

Clean underwear shall be de rigueur, because you never know when you’ll get into an accident.

“Haute couture” shall be synonymous with “Mom jeans.”

By law, Lady Gaga, Miley Cyrus, and Britney Spears would wear more clothes. Brad Pitt, David Beckham, and the red-haired guy at the gym would wear less.

BUT SERIOUSLY, FOLKS...

Exercise your
Mom Power!

Sigh. While world domination may be a pleasant daydream for now, here’s reality: November 2 is Election Day here in the USA. Think of all the suffragists’ hard work and sacrifices that went into the Nineteenth Amendment; think of all the places in today’s world where women are “spoils of war,” sold, mutilated, or “protected” under the rubric of culture or religion.

Do not take women’s rights for granted. Let your voice be heard! Get out there and rock the vote, Mommies.

*** Stay tuned for the November 15 blog: "The Evolution of Parenting Views: You Who Think You Know It All Are Annoying to Those of Us That Do." ***

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Top 10 Clues You’re Pregnant Before Receipt of Official Medical Confirmation

We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Blood Test.

Pregnant or hitting the
potato chips too often?
You decide.

A good friend suspects she’s got a proverbial bun - or two - in the oven, and only awaits the arrival home of her husband tonight before she piddles on The Stick. Given the relative accuracy of The Stick nowadays - and her uncanny ability to follow package directions to the exact letter - a follow-up visit to the doctor seems almost superfluous (except for the part where she’d like an accurate count of the buns; as a mom of twins, I can appreciate that sentiment).

In honor of her (and all possibly expectant moms everywhere), I offer these “Top 10 Clues You’re Pregnant Before Receipt of Official Medical Confirmation.” In my friend’s case, a positive test would be welcome news ... so good luck!

Top 10 Clues You’re Pregnant Before Receipt of Official Medical Confirmation

10. Your base of operations moves to the bathroom.

9. At the sight, sound or thought of a baby, you whimper and drool like a puppy. If you had a tail, you’d wag it.

8. Greeting cards make you burst into tears. So do diaper commercials. And egg salad sandwiches.

7. You suffer from (or enjoy) bizarre, intense, short-lived, often concurrent cravings: fried squid and cole slaw; strawberry jam and chicken chow mein; guacamole and filet mignon, pink lemonade and Raisinettes ... but not pickles. Nor ice cream.

6. Cravings aside, you can eat only a forkful of cole slaw before you feel bloated or nauseated. Or both.

5. You eye strollers the way you used to eye pricey sport cars.

Shut eye? Get it while the
baby's on the inside,
because you won't get
any when the baby is
on the outside.

4. If you sit down, you fall asleep. Immediately.

3. Your center of gravity shifts a half-inch south each week.

2. Your waistline expands a half-inch each week (even though you’ve been subsisting on a pint of cole slaw, a forkful at a time). Even your elastic-waist pants are straining their fibers.

1. Can you say “perpetual backache”?

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*** Stay tuned for the October 31 blog: "If Mothers Ran the World (Give Mom an Inch and She'll Think She's a Ruler)." ***