All I Really Need to Know I Learned...

From Mom.

Although she denies it, my
mom most assuredly
attended an international
mothers' summit.

With all due respect to Robert Fulghum, all I really need to know I learned from Mom, not kindergarten. And when I compare notes with friends across gender, matrimonial, progenitorial, and cultural lines, we all believe our moms must have held an international mothers’ summit while we slept and agreed on a single set of life lessons to drill into us.

Did your mother attend the summit, too? Recognize these?

MOM TAUGHT SCIENCE

Topography: “I walked to school every day, barefoot, through snow, and uphill. Both ways.”
Botany: “Money does not grow on trees.”
Anatomy: “You’d lose your head if it wasn’t screwed on.”
Cardiology: “Uh-huh, you’re breakin’ my heart.”
Physiology: “If you keep making that face, it will freeze in that position.”
More physiology: “If you stick your tongue out again, it will fall off.”
Ophthalmology: “Be careful or you’ll put your eye out.”
More ophthalmology: “Stop crossing your eyes, or they’ll get stuck that way.”
Even more ophthalmology: “I know because I have eyes in the back of my head.”

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MOM TAUGHT AGRICULTURE

According to moms
everywhere, this is a
botanical impossibility.

Cultivation: “You have enough dirt behind those ears to grow potatoes.”
Farm buildings: “Shut that door. Don’t slam it! Were you born in a barn? Want some hay?”
Equine dentistry: “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.”
Porcine husbandry: “Your room looks like a pigsty!”
Ovine deportment: “Are you a sheep? What if everyone jumped off a cliff? Would you do it, too?” (Thanks to this one, I confused sheep with lemmings until freshman biology, and then discovered the lemmings-off-a-cliff thing was a hoax. Really!)

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MOM TAUGHT MATHEMATICS

Counting: “You’d better [fill in the blank] before I finish counting to three!”
Exponential functions: “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times...”

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MOM TAUGHT FASHION

Underwear: “Are you wearing clean underwear? You never know if you’ll be in an accident.” (Because the paramedics will check my underpants first.)
Outerwear: “Put on a coat. Put on a warmer coat. Is that the only coat you can find?”
Ready-to-wear: “Don’t tell me you’re going out dressed like that?”
Footwear: “Do you think your shoes and socks are going to pick themselves up?”
Nothing to wear: “How can you say that when your closet is FULL of clothes?!”

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MOM TAUGHT CAREER PATHS

Paramedics are trained to
first check the cleanliness
of your underpants, then
your state of consciousness.

Housekeeping: “I’m not your cleaning lady.”
Food service: “I’m not your waitress.”
Transportation: “I’m not running a taxi service.”
Savings and loan: “Do I look like an ATM?”
Upper management: “Yes, I am the boss.”

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MOM TAUGHT FINE DINING

Taste-testing: “How do you know you don’t like it if you haven’t tried it?”
Hand-mouth coordination: “Don’t shovel your food.”
Mastication: “Close your mouth when you chew. Chew slowly.”
Food criticism: “You will eat it, and you will like it!”
Gratification: “Dessert? Only if you clean your plate.”
Food and wine pairing: “You want some cheese with that whine?”
Dinner conversation: “Don’t talk with your mouth full!”
Ending dinner conversation: “Shut your mouth and eat.”

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MOM TAUGHT CONVERSATIONAL ARTS

Small talk: “If I talked to my mother like you talk to me...”
Active listening: “Answer me when I ask you a question!”
Eye contact: “Look at me when I’m talking to you.”
Silence: “If you can’t speak properly, then do not speak.”

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MOM TAUGHT LOGIC

Mom's favorite
word: "soap." Well, "soap"
plus "no" and "ha!"
and...

Comprehension: “What part of ‘NO’ didn’t you understand?”
Tautology: “Why? Because I said so.”
Cause and effect: “If you’re too full to finish your dinner, then you’re too full for dessert.”
More cause and effect: “If you’re too sick to go to school, then you’re too sick to play outside.”
Still more cause and effect: “If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about!”
Ditto: “I’ll treat you like an adult when you start acting like one.”
Ditto again: “If you fall and break your legs, don’t come running to me.”

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MOM TAUGHT HYGIENE

Dirty objects in clean hands: “Don’t touch that - it’s dirty.”
Dirty hands on clean objects: “Don’t touch that! Your hands are dirty.”
Oral hygiene: “Take that out of your mouth. You don’t know where it’s been.”
More oral hygiene: “What did you say? You want me to wash your mouth out with soap?”
Potential Procter & Gamble marketing: “A little soap and water never killed anybody.”

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MOM TAUGHT MODERN HISTORY

Modern warfare: “I don’t care who started it, I’m finishing it!”
Short-term memory: “What did I just say? Were you even listening?”
Medium-term memory: “What did I tell you the first time?”

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MOM TAUGHT ANCIENT HISTORY

Early Triassic period: “Do you think I was born yesterday?”
Late Triassic period: “When I was a little girl...”
Jurassic period: “When I was young, we respected our elders. Now look at the world!”
Cretaceous period: “When I was your age...”

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MOM TAUGHT GRATITUDE

I could only have dessert
if I finished my dinner, but
if I finished dinner, then
I was too full for dessert!

Ocular gratitude: “I’ll thank you NOT to roll your eyes at me.”
Major appliance gratitude: “I slave over a hot stove and this is the thanks I get?”
Philosophical gratitude: “You’ll appreciate my wisdom someday when you’re older and you’re grown.”
Gratitude gratitude: “Someday you will thank me for this.”

On that note: that “someday” has arrived - thanks, Mom. Seriously. I’ve learned a lot from you, and continue to do so every day. Your grandchildren will assure you that I’m passing all of your lessons along to them, too (verbatim!). No summit needed.

Another thing Mom always said: “Just remember, I love you and I’m proud of you no matter what.” Right back at you, Mom.

(Everyone all together now: “Awwwwww...”)

Happy Mother’s Day!

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