Glossary of Realtor Terms

“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”

You think you understand
him... but do you really?

My friends Hilary, Elissa, and Leah (and, oh yeah, their husbands) are all mulling the possibilities of buying larger homes to better fit their expanding broods.

I dedicate this translation of realtors’ commonly used phrases to them, their partners, and prospective home buying parents everywhere (or at least the continental U.S.).

Admittedly, real estate tips don’t fall intuitively into the category of parenting advice, but let’s face it: whatever minimizes Mommy’s frustration will help make the whole family happy.

And we want Mommy to be happy, don’t we? Don’t we?

*****

What Realtors SAY: Cozy. Darling. Quaint. Delightful. Charming. Cottage. Dollhouse. Starter Home.
What Realtors MEAN: Small. Tiny. Miniscule.

What Realtors SAY: __ years new.
What Realtors MEAN: __ years old.

What Realtors SAY: Old World charm.
What Realtors MEAN: Hasn’t been redecorated since the Roosevelt administration.

What Realtors SAY: Immaculate.
What Realtors MEAN: Seller has no furniture.

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What Realtors SAY: Updated.
What Realtors MEAN: Seller recently painted the kitchen.

Beware of "darling" and
"dollhouse" used in the
same sentence.

What Realtors SAY: Remodeled.
What Realtors MEAN: Seller recently replaced the faucets.

What Realtors SAY: Motivated seller.
What Realtors MEAN: Seller will read your offer twice before laughing hysterically.

What Realtors SAY: Freeway access.
What Realtors MEAN: Interstate is on the other side of the backyard fence.

What Realtors SAY: Close to shopping.
What Realtors MEAN: CostCo’s garbage bins are on the other side of the backyard fence.

What Realtors SAY: Possibilities abound.
What Realtors MEAN: Bring your toolbox.

What Realtors SAY: Opportunity knocks.
What Realtors MEAN: Bring a contractor.

If you can afford this,
may I be your friend?

What Realtors SAY: Needs some TLC.
What Realtors MEAN: Bring a lot of contractors.

What Realtors SAY: Sold as is.
What Realtors MEAN: Bring a lawyer.

What Realtors SAY: Car port.
What Realtors MEAN: No garage.

What Realtors SAY: Port cochere.
What Realtors MEAN: Car port, but you can’t afford it.

What Realtors SAY: Golf course. Fairway. Country club. Guest quarters. Price on request.
What Realtors MEAN: You can’t afford it. Don’t even think about it. Hear me laughing? Ha ha ha ha ha ha...
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